An essay on falling in love Sent: 6:35 pm February 7, 1992 (Friday) for Valentine's day
Our bodies, and most especially our sexuality, was designed carefully, exquisitely, over hundreds of thousands, if not tens of billions of year, by a very simple process, LIFE, which is based on only one rule. If it reproduces, it stays in the game. If it does not, it was probably irrelevant. That one rule powers all of evolution. It is LIFE itself. It does not consider individuals, or imply good or bad, or even recognize right or wrong. Everything about our bodies and the minds they support was
designed according to this rule, shaped by the force of this evolution , in
order to get us to reproduce. That is the fundamental purpose of life. It can be
argued that it also the sole purpose of life. We are not here to learn about the
galaxy or to enjoy our sexuality or to create masterworks of art or to reach a
state of spiritual perfection. We are here to reproduce. Not to reproduce
ourselves, but to reproduce LIFE itself, in the particular manifestation that is
us.
Our emotions were designed by this process and are therefore
an essential part of it. Chemically, emotionally, genetically, we are each a
completely original expression of the process of LIFE and the mechanism of
evolution. We all use the same chemicals, in very much the same way, but in
spite of our basic similarities, each one of us is totally and utterly unique.
As a result of our uniqueness, we each experience the world of [illusion] that
whirls around us and the world of emotion that boils within us through different
filters.
These filters are tools we have inherited (inherited because
they had at some point in our past lead to reproduction) or developed (in the
course of living our individual lives) to simplify what we see and feel to
something that we can comprehend. They are our defenses. They provide the basis
on which we translate experience into language, into our own personal language,
into our own personal memories. Because of the uniqueness of our defenses, each
of us necessarily describes what we have seen and what we have felt with a
completely different language, a language ultimately incomprehensible to anyone
but ourselves.
[Our collective past, and the common inheritance (how many
generations back until we are all related?) of many similar filters, and similar
languages, interacting with the inertia provided by our social institutions, and
the changes in our circumstances explains much of the continuity of our form of
life.]
"Falling in love" is a demonstrable, reproducible phenomenon, a chemical process. It is a distinct physiological condition that has co-evolved right alongside our social institutions. "Falling in love" is a delicious anesthetic which dulls our suspicions and overwhelms our fear of intimacy and pain and loss, with reassuring warmth, and pleasure and happiness. The release from fear that accompanies these feelings allows us to lower our defenses and this allows us to put our trust in strangers. Even strangers we should not trust. The anesthetic power of love makes people feel "good" to
one-another. This keeps people from noticing that they do not really fit
perfectly together very well, or noticing that the do not know even the most
basic or essential things about one another. It allows them to notice that they
smell good to one-another, that they don't worry about what one another is
thinking, that feel suddenly familiar, as though they had known one another
forever, they sense that they fit together walking, they imagine that fate
somehow brought them together. This leads to an escalation of openness and
intimacy that finds its ultimate expression in our sexuality.
That is the sole "purpose" of falling in love, and to this
purpose it is almost perfectly suited. Falling in love has been designed by the
process of LIFE to last long enough that most people successfully reproduce long
before they begin to notice that they have allowed themselves to be deceived ,
that their old nemesis, the sense of being alone, is still there, aching in the
depths of their hearts.
That is the first step, but only the first step. Simply
getting people to get each other pregnant, and making sure they stay together
long enough to bear children is not enough to ensure that LIFE will continue,
not in an expression as complex as our own species. That might be enough for a
spider, or a mouse, or even a bird, but it is not nearly enough for us. Those
smaller creatures are born relatively complete. They are born knowing most of
what they need to do to live and to reproduce their lives. They do not have
complex international societies and confusing political abstractions in which
they must learn how to live. It does not take 30 or 40 years to educate them
like it does us.
LIFE, at least the kind of life that people live, requires
that the anesthetic must wear off. That is the second step. The love we fall
into with strangers is entirely different from the love that develops between a
mother or a father and a child. I am describing a brilliant system, a process
that is simultaneously as complex as the unfolding of our lives yet as simple as
the operation of the sun or the tide or the rain.
When the anesthetic wears off, which it does for a variety of
reasons, primarily from the friction that inevitably results from our
uniquenesses, the billions of minute differences between us form a conspiracy to
make even our most basic expectations ultimately unique, and our most
fundamental needs and desires totally unfathomable to any other individual.
This gradual reawakening, this recognition of our fundamental
uniqueness is most powerfully exposed in the course of parenting children. It is
in our most completely personal experiences, the paths of our own upbringing
that we are each most entirely unique. Therefore, if we have not already
fallen out of love, if the anesthetic has not already worn off simply from the
continual buffeting we must take in our day-to-day lives, our irreconcilable
beliefs about our roles and responsibilities toward the raising of our offspring
and the demands made by their role in our lives will soon wake us
up.
The point of the process is to assure that when the anesthetic
wears off, we wake up all alone. That is the third step. Because once we are
awake the pain of recognizing that we are once again lonely, after the comfort
of being in love, is unbearable and it prepares the parents to fill their hearts
with the joys of sharing life with their offspring.
Unlike any of the rest of the people in the world, our
offspring are not totally unique from us. They have inherited many of our
uniquenesses and they are thus, for reasons of chemical identicality, the
closest chemical relatives two both parents. Therefore they share many of the
parents' filters and they can speak more of the language of their hearts than
any other living beings. As the children mature, the parents respectively
cherish and encourage and attempt to extinguish and discourage those parts of
their offspring that derive most directly from themselves and their mates. This
normally leads to considerable antagonism between the parents, encouraging them
to awaken further. This antagonism is normally quite confusing to the child,
whose similarity to one parent finds little or no complement or resonance in the
dissimilar one, and the traits least similar are often the focus of serious
rejection by that parent.
Because you can never know what another person is really
feeling, you can never really anticipate what another person wants. This is the
great danger that two people must eventually face, when they try living together
as a childless couple.
Childless couples are truly unnatural, in the sense that LIFE,
by its very nature, could never have created them. LIFE demands reproduction.
Therefore the evolution of skills and the language for dealing with the path
that childless couples must follow cannot be a part of our genome; you will
never find the tools you need to live with another person by looking inside
yourself. They are simply not in the toolbox. If you want tools that let you
step outside the process of life must learn to invent them for yourself.
The idea of a genetic system that would produce chemicals that
could give us the tools to communicate with one another's hearts is
self-contradictory. These tools cannot exist until we build them because the
genes that designed them would have been extinguished the first time they were
used. Genes that help people live together without reproduction, are against the
rule, they are irrelevant because they can not possibly be inherited by the
unborn ancestors of their developers.
|